Wonderful Breast Feeding Product

Well, this is progress! Thanks to science, you can buy a feeding device with a rubber nipple, and a tin of powdered-just-add-water food for baby! No more wet spots staining up your shirts! No more flashing your tits in public. I can't believe no one thought of this sooner! It is called FORMULA, and you use a BOTTLE to feed it! Science! Use a bottle to do your breastfeeding!

Let's face it-heating a bottle is sooooo much easier than warming your tits in a pan of water on the stove...even if your shirt doesn't catch fire.

Breastfeeding is a Bacterial Feeding Ground

At least the rubber nipples and bottles get sterilised once in a while. Breastfeeding mothers never wash themselves up, or use a wet-wipe before feeding. Gross. If I served you milk from a filthy, crusty glass you'd throw up. Your baby? That's not burping, it is spit-up, because you're making him sick with your festering boobs.

I don't like drinking from filthy sources, and neither does my baby, so I'm feeding formula. Healthy, balanced, nutritious, engineered formula. Sterile. From a tin.

Breastfeeding Will Make Your Baby Amish

The Amish are all breastfed, and they're so stoopid they don't know how to turn on a television or fasten a pair of pants with a zipper. Unless you want some sort of plain speaking-button trouser wearing-furniture maker for a child, I suggest you get a tin of formula, and start feeding it.

I mean sure, we idealise these people until one of your own goes and starts living like them-there's only so much pie and hog maw a person can eat. It takes a village to raise a barn, but you only need a tin of formula to raise a child.

Breastfeeding is Sooooo Third World

So yeah, go ahead and feed your baby like a privative savage-why don't you squat in a field to have it too? Me? I'm civilised, so I'm feeding formula. What's more, I'm wearing Liz Claiborne, you can get boob juice all over your native mumu (moo-moo) if you want.

It is called progress for a reason.

Babies Need Formula to Thrive

According to breast scientists, your breasts are over 90% water. Why would you want to feed your baby water when companies make safe, nutritious formula? Unless you hate your baby, then you breast feed them. I mean, every time I gain weight, it is in my breasts-water weight. Everyone (including breast scientists who know about this stuff) knows your baby won't thrive on water. Give 'em a bottle of formula and stop being such an ignoramus.

You are soooo stooopid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obamacare to Require Breastfeeding

The health care law is going to force women to breastfeed their babies so they can get ready to suck on the tit of the State. Fact. It'll still pay to abort if you want, but once the kid is here, you have to keep it stuck to your chest for a couple years or they'll cut off your Prozac prescription
, and then you'll remember how much you didn't want a kid in the first place.

If you refuse to breast-feed, they send Hillary Clinton to be the wet nurse. Fact.

I don't want my kid breast-fed by Hillary Clinton (hell, Bill didn't even want to suck 'em) so I'm feeding formula!

Free Formula Samples in Hospital

If they stop giving new mothers free formula samples in hospital , what am I going to feed my baby????????!!!!!!!!!!

And without vouchers for free formula, I'll have to apply for benefits to buy him formula!

Everyone knows formula is the best, perfect food (they engineer it that way-it's science)why do hospitals hate babies????

Breastfeeding Causes Broken Homes

Do you want to know why there are so many single mothers out there? Because they insist on nursing their babies. Obviously these morons don't realize tits are for the enjoyment of men, not feeding some stupid baby-hello? They sell cans of formula at any drugstore or supermarket.

Fine, keep nursing your baby, but I don't want my tax dollars supporting you in your lifestyle. Get some formula, and a job and keep your breasts for the person that really matters-the man that pays the bills.

People are so stupid.

Breastfeeding Causes Close Republican Primaries

I just got back from a trip to Michigan, and everywhere I went some broad was whipping out her boob to shove in some wailing brat's mouth. There's a really close primary election going on there between Romney and Santorum. In the old days, when Romney's dad was governor, women gave their babies formula. Maybe if Mitt's campaign staff had handed out free samples of formula instead of campaign buttons, he'd be looking at a decisive victory tonight, instead of going around begging for votes. This sort of thing never happened in the 60's.

I want my baby to grow up knowing who he's voting for, so I'm feeding him formula!

The New Nursing Bras

Did you hear about the new nursing bras that have triple strength deodouriser so you don't smell like you're trying to make yoghurt in your shirt? Now you just smell like sourdough starter that has gone off.

People think the complaints about public breastfeeding are some sort of modesty thing but let me tell you, it is the smell. Button up already, or at least take it to the restroom where it can mingle with the less offensive odour of shit.

Wonder why your child has grown up to be a lysol-hand santiser toting germaphobe? It is because they had to smell your rotten cheese breastmilk for the first months (years-really, what the hell is wrong with you people?) of their lives.

Breastfeeding Causes Illiteracy

Breastfeeding babies causes them to be illiterate later in life because they couldn't see the story books their mum read them because They had a tit shoved in their face! Really, you try reading like that.

Formula fed babies fared much better because they were able to see the books. A is for Apple. B is for boob that kept baby from learning the alphabet and becoming a lay about dole dependent.

I don't want my baby to drag me along every time he needs to fill out the form for welfare-that's why I'm feeding formula!

Breastfeeding Causes Severe Weather

Don't believe me? Look outside at the snowstorm. We never got blizzards like this back when people bottle fed their babies. More people stay home to feed their babies (because really, who would want to do that in public?) and that reduces carbon emissions from cars and planes and all kinds of transport women would be using if they didn't have to stay home and nurse babies. This has slowed down the global warming which I guess is OK, but it is causing all kinds of snow and ice storms in the central plains.

If you have to dig out your car from a foot of snow tomorrow, thank a breastfeeding mother. Besides, breastfeeding is gross.

Breastfeeding Causes Poverty

Glass ceiling or glass bottle-your choice.

You never see CEO's sitting in a bathroom stall pumping in a power suit. Hand a bottle of formula to the nanny for your baby, and get the fuck back to work.

Breastfeeding Causes Speech Delays

Know why your stupid baby hasn't learned to speak yet? Because you have your tit shoved in his mouth all the time! Hey, genius, I have an "early intervention" tip for you: take your boob out of the kid's mouth. I guarantee his first sentence will be, "Give me a fucking bottle of formula."

Duh!

Breastfeeding Equals Bad Behaviour

I'm not going to breastfeed my baby because breastfeeding causes brattiness. If I wanted my baby to be a juvenile delinquent I'd just give him a packet of Pal Mal and a switchblade.

There's even a study to back this up. Give your kid a boob, and they turn into little monsters. Give a kid a bottle, and he learns to be a farmer!

Breastfeeding in Public is Disgusting!

I don't know why these broads have to whip out their saggy hooters and feed their brats in public? Even a cat (and I know this because my cat recently had kittens) will go off somewhere private to nurse her kittens. Mine prefers the front hall closet. The least these women could do is find a bathroom stall, or a coat-check room.

I don't enjoy watching my cat nurse her kittens, and hell-everyone adores kittens, so why the hell would I want to watch some woman who hasn't run a comb through her hair since the day she gave birth, pull her obese gland out of a stained shirt and feed he baby? Babies are waaaay less cute than kittens, and I don't even want to see that.

Breastfeeding is gross, even when it is a cat.