At least formula babies are real

Terry you are so right thank you for pointing that out. Here in Milwaukee I see a lot of women making a big show of breastfeeding and when you look close you see it's NOT A BABY IT IS JUST A DOLL!!!! THEY CAN'T HAVE REAL BABIES so they just like to flash their breasts. I bet if they do have a baby they will do it in the bus and take off their panties for all the hairy men to see.

I Just Wanted Coffee

So I went to an expensive coffee place here for one of those frozen drinks everyone raves about. I had a dulce de luce, and it made me sick. Later, I found out about the la Luce society! Ugh, it must have had BREASTMILK in it!

It gave me bloody diarhea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Plan

I'm headed to the mall looking for mothers with newborns that I can undermine in their attempts to breast-feed. I have formula samples, and tons of coupons to hand out.

Gosh, I sure hope I can undermine some potential breast feeder today. I'm pretty optimistic. My goal is to undermine at LEAST three nursing mothers, but I'll feel wicked good if I can get four or five. I also have some samples of aresol air freshener, in case they're tired of smelling that way.

Check Your Temperature

Ever wonder why your stupid, buck-toothed-breast-fed baby is failing to thrive? Perhaps it is becuase you're giving them spoiled milk to drink. Don't take my word for it-do a search for "Food Safety" and check what temperature they advise keeping milk at. Go ahead, I'll wait.

*taps fingers on desk*
Hmmm, deee dummm

Oh good, you're back. Between 38 and 40 degrees F. Correct? Now shove a hand into that oh-so-attractive nursing bra you're sporting these days and tell me if that feels like the gallon of milk in the ice box. Right, I didn't think so. You really should know better.

Geez.

Chocolate Breast Milk

I hear alot of whining about how the formula manufacturers are tryin to kill babies in Africa by selling their mothers formula-but WHAT ABOUT MOTHERS HERE THAT EAT CHOCOLATE???? That chocolate is excreted through breast milk-so you're STILL giving your baby tainted corporate poison and exploiting the labour of third world toddlers that have to go harvest the cocoa. I guess as long as it's not YOUR precious suckling little piggy, then it's no big deal right?

Besides, chocolate milk causes obesity. Geez, I thought everyone knew that.

Lookit Those Udders!

Ugh. The last thing I want to sit next to in a cafe is some woman with a kid sucking away like my husband at a bottle of chartreusse. Slurp, slurp, slurp-look, all I'm sayin' is teach the little bugger some table manners. If I sat there slurping away at my coffee (and spitting it back up, shitting my pants and all the other stuff babies do whilst breastfeeding-you'd complain to the management.

Oh, and the big leaky spot on your shirt is sooo attractive.

Breastfeeding Causes Lesbianism

It's true. I have a friend of a friend who swears that every lesbian, feminist art historian she's ever known (and apparently, she knows a LOT of them) were exclusively breast fed for at least the first year of life.

Now I have nothing against lesbian feminist art historians-some of my best friends (or friends of a friend of my best friend, technically) are lesbian feminist art historians (I think some of them are Jews too). Still, you have to wonder if we are encouraging lesbian feminist art historians onto society in large numbers due to breast feeding.

I don't want a kid that wears ugly shoes and talks about Miro all day long. Do you???

Orthodontics and Breast Feeding

A recent study of orthodontists revealed that children who were breast-fed exclusively for 18 months or more had higher than average incidence of tooth decay and molar impaction abnormalities-AND they look funny!

I don't want a buck-toothed, abnormal baby-do YOU???

Geez,

Breasteeding Breeds Serial Killers

Did you know that 97% of serial killers born prior to 1960 were breast-fed exclusively.

If I wanted my kid to be a serial kiler, I'd have named him Richard Speck.

Geez.