Breastfeeding Causes Close Republican Primaries

I just got back from a trip to Michigan, and everywhere I went some broad was whipping out her boob to shove in some wailing brat's mouth. There's a really close primary election going on there between Romney and Santorum. In the old days, when Romney's dad was governor, women gave their babies formula. Maybe if Mitt's campaign staff had handed out free samples of formula instead of campaign buttons, he'd be looking at a decisive victory tonight, instead of going around begging for votes. This sort of thing never happened in the 60's.

I want my baby to grow up knowing who he's voting for, so I'm feeding him formula!

The New Nursing Bras

Did you hear about the new nursing bras that have triple strength deodouriser so you don't smell like you're trying to make yoghurt in your shirt? Now you just smell like sourdough starter that has gone off.

People think the complaints about public breastfeeding are some sort of modesty thing but let me tell you, it is the smell. Button up already, or at least take it to the restroom where it can mingle with the less offensive odour of shit.

Wonder why your child has grown up to be a lysol-hand santiser toting germaphobe? It is because they had to smell your rotten cheese breastmilk for the first months (years-really, what the hell is wrong with you people?) of their lives.

Breastfeeding Causes Illiteracy

Breastfeeding babies causes them to be illiterate later in life because they couldn't see the story books their mum read them because They had a tit shoved in their face! Really, you try reading like that.

Formula fed babies fared much better because they were able to see the books. A is for Apple. B is for boob that kept baby from learning the alphabet and becoming a lay about dole dependent.

I don't want my baby to drag me along every time he needs to fill out the form for welfare-that's why I'm feeding formula!

Breastfeeding Causes Severe Weather

Don't believe me? Look outside at the snowstorm. We never got blizzards like this back when people bottle fed their babies. More people stay home to feed their babies (because really, who would want to do that in public?) and that reduces carbon emissions from cars and planes and all kinds of transport women would be using if they didn't have to stay home and nurse babies. This has slowed down the global warming which I guess is OK, but it is causing all kinds of snow and ice storms in the central plains.

If you have to dig out your car from a foot of snow tomorrow, thank a breastfeeding mother. Besides, breastfeeding is gross.

Breastfeeding Causes Poverty

Glass ceiling or glass bottle-your choice.

You never see CEO's sitting in a bathroom stall pumping in a power suit. Hand a bottle of formula to the nanny for your baby, and get the fuck back to work.

Breastfeeding Causes Speech Delays

Know why your stupid baby hasn't learned to speak yet? Because you have your tit shoved in his mouth all the time! Hey, genius, I have an "early intervention" tip for you: take your boob out of the kid's mouth. I guarantee his first sentence will be, "Give me a fucking bottle of formula."

Duh!

Breastfeeding Equals Bad Behaviour

I'm not going to breastfeed my baby because breastfeeding causes brattiness. If I wanted my baby to be a juvenile delinquent I'd just give him a packet of Pal Mal and a switchblade.

There's even a study to back this up. Give your kid a boob, and they turn into little monsters. Give a kid a bottle, and he learns to be a farmer!

Breastfeeding in Public is Disgusting!

I don't know why these broads have to whip out their saggy hooters and feed their brats in public? Even a cat (and I know this because my cat recently had kittens) will go off somewhere private to nurse her kittens. Mine prefers the front hall closet. The least these women could do is find a bathroom stall, or a coat-check room.

I don't enjoy watching my cat nurse her kittens, and hell-everyone adores kittens, so why the hell would I want to watch some woman who hasn't run a comb through her hair since the day she gave birth, pull her obese gland out of a stained shirt and feed he baby? Babies are waaaay less cute than kittens, and I don't even want to see that.

Breastfeeding is gross, even when it is a cat.

Breastfeeding Linked to Dementia

A new study from the The International Teamed Statistics has definitive, concrete, PROOF that breastfeeding babies causes them to go all crazshit once they hit old age. Look at all the early-onset Alzheimers amongst baby-boomers. It was the breastmilk that made them lose their minds. Back when people shamelssly gave their babies formula full of corn syrup and contaminated water, they did just fine which is why great grandpa can still tell you about fighting the Krauts in Europe, march by march, but your damn hippie, boob-fed 60's baby can't remember which end of a shovel to dig with.

I don't want my baby to spend his declining years trying to remember who the hell I am...so I'm feeding formula!

Breastfeeding=Siesta

Now the dumbasses are hiring nannies to breastfeed their children.

So let me get this straight-you hire some I-legal wet nurse and then your kid just wants to eat chimmighangas and listen to mary-achi music all day while collecting a government check.

I don't want my baby to wear a sombrero-so I'm feeding him formula. Like an American.

Breast Is Best...for performance art!

Someone finally came up with a good use for all that disgusting boob juice-art! Now, I'm all in favour of this, as some poor kid doesn't have to drink it and end up undernourished and suffering from rickets and a mommy obsession later in life. Let the foodie fuckwits spread it on their expensive crackers, and give the poor kids a nice bottle of properly balanced, nutritionally sound formula from the store. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

I thought breastfeeding was supposed to help you cows lose the fat after being preggers-look at the photo-obviously not helping, is it?

Oooh, Limburger!

Hey there ladies, the next foodie fad is breastmilk cheese! Your kid might be smart enough to wean himself, or reject your breast outright, but some dumb foodie fuckers in New York will be happy to gobble it up!

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and a slice of thou jug juice.

If I wanted my kid to grow up to be a stupid, foodie, fuckwit-I'd have just breastfed him.

Now THAT'S What Breastmilk Is For

Felony assault!

You never know when you'll end up in the clink, and need to defend yourself. Good thing she wasn't wasting the stuff on some whiny, hungry baby.

Hang Up Your Tits And Drive!

Dumbass.

At least formula babies are real

Terry you are so right thank you for pointing that out. Here in Milwaukee I see a lot of women making a big show of breastfeeding and when you look close you see it's NOT A BABY IT IS JUST A DOLL!!!! THEY CAN'T HAVE REAL BABIES so they just like to flash their breasts. I bet if they do have a baby they will do it in the bus and take off their panties for all the hairy men to see.

I Just Wanted Coffee

So I went to an expensive coffee place here for one of those frozen drinks everyone raves about. I had a dulce de luce, and it made me sick. Later, I found out about the la Luce society! Ugh, it must have had BREASTMILK in it!

It gave me bloody diarhea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Plan

I'm headed to the mall looking for mothers with newborns that I can undermine in their attempts to breast-feed. I have formula samples, and tons of coupons to hand out.

Gosh, I sure hope I can undermine some potential breast feeder today. I'm pretty optimistic. My goal is to undermine at LEAST three nursing mothers, but I'll feel wicked good if I can get four or five. I also have some samples of aresol air freshener, in case they're tired of smelling that way.

Check Your Temperature

Ever wonder why your stupid, buck-toothed-breast-fed baby is failing to thrive? Perhaps it is becuase you're giving them spoiled milk to drink. Don't take my word for it-do a search for "Food Safety" and check what temperature they advise keeping milk at. Go ahead, I'll wait.

*taps fingers on desk*
Hmmm, deee dummm

Oh good, you're back. Between 38 and 40 degrees F. Correct? Now shove a hand into that oh-so-attractive nursing bra you're sporting these days and tell me if that feels like the gallon of milk in the ice box. Right, I didn't think so. You really should know better.

Geez.

Chocolate Breast Milk

I hear alot of whining about how the formula manufacturers are tryin to kill babies in Africa by selling their mothers formula-but WHAT ABOUT MOTHERS HERE THAT EAT CHOCOLATE???? That chocolate is excreted through breast milk-so you're STILL giving your baby tainted corporate poison and exploiting the labour of third world toddlers that have to go harvest the cocoa. I guess as long as it's not YOUR precious suckling little piggy, then it's no big deal right?

Besides, chocolate milk causes obesity. Geez, I thought everyone knew that.

Lookit Those Udders!

Ugh. The last thing I want to sit next to in a cafe is some woman with a kid sucking away like my husband at a bottle of chartreusse. Slurp, slurp, slurp-look, all I'm sayin' is teach the little bugger some table manners. If I sat there slurping away at my coffee (and spitting it back up, shitting my pants and all the other stuff babies do whilst breastfeeding-you'd complain to the management.

Oh, and the big leaky spot on your shirt is sooo attractive.

Breastfeeding Causes Lesbianism

It's true. I have a friend of a friend who swears that every lesbian, feminist art historian she's ever known (and apparently, she knows a LOT of them) were exclusively breast fed for at least the first year of life.

Now I have nothing against lesbian feminist art historians-some of my best friends (or friends of a friend of my best friend, technically) are lesbian feminist art historians (I think some of them are Jews too). Still, you have to wonder if we are encouraging lesbian feminist art historians onto society in large numbers due to breast feeding.

I don't want a kid that wears ugly shoes and talks about Miro all day long. Do you???

Orthodontics and Breast Feeding

A recent study of orthodontists revealed that children who were breast-fed exclusively for 18 months or more had higher than average incidence of tooth decay and molar impaction abnormalities-AND they look funny!

I don't want a buck-toothed, abnormal baby-do YOU???

Geez,

Breasteeding Breeds Serial Killers

Did you know that 97% of serial killers born prior to 1960 were breast-fed exclusively.

If I wanted my kid to be a serial kiler, I'd have named him Richard Speck.

Geez.