Breastfeeding Causes Close Republican Primaries

I just got back from a trip to Michigan, and everywhere I went some broad was whipping out her boob to shove in some wailing brat's mouth. There's a really close primary election going on there between Romney and Santorum. In the old days, when Romney's dad was governor, women gave their babies formula. Maybe if Mitt's campaign staff had handed out free samples of formula instead of campaign buttons, he'd be looking at a decisive victory tonight, instead of going around begging for votes. This sort of thing never happened in the 60's.

I want my baby to grow up knowing who he's voting for, so I'm feeding him formula!

The New Nursing Bras

Did you hear about the new nursing bras that have triple strength deodouriser so you don't smell like you're trying to make yoghurt in your shirt? Now you just smell like sourdough starter that has gone off.

People think the complaints about public breastfeeding are some sort of modesty thing but let me tell you, it is the smell. Button up already, or at least take it to the restroom where it can mingle with the less offensive odour of shit.

Wonder why your child has grown up to be a lysol-hand santiser toting germaphobe? It is because they had to smell your rotten cheese breastmilk for the first months (years-really, what the hell is wrong with you people?) of their lives.

Breastfeeding Causes Illiteracy

Breastfeeding babies causes them to be illiterate later in life because they couldn't see the story books their mum read them because They had a tit shoved in their face! Really, you try reading like that.

Formula fed babies fared much better because they were able to see the books. A is for Apple. B is for boob that kept baby from learning the alphabet and becoming a lay about dole dependent.

I don't want my baby to drag me along every time he needs to fill out the form for welfare-that's why I'm feeding formula!

Breastfeeding Causes Severe Weather

Don't believe me? Look outside at the snowstorm. We never got blizzards like this back when people bottle fed their babies. More people stay home to feed their babies (because really, who would want to do that in public?) and that reduces carbon emissions from cars and planes and all kinds of transport women would be using if they didn't have to stay home and nurse babies. This has slowed down the global warming which I guess is OK, but it is causing all kinds of snow and ice storms in the central plains.

If you have to dig out your car from a foot of snow tomorrow, thank a breastfeeding mother. Besides, breastfeeding is gross.